


I Can't Be Alone With All That's On My Mind

by keepasecretgetastrawberry



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types, Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: F/M, FMA Secret Santa 2020, Fluff, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Light Angst, POV Multiple, Pre-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-31
Updated: 2020-12-31
Packaged: 2021-03-11 04:47:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,169
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28439355
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/keepasecretgetastrawberry/pseuds/keepasecretgetastrawberry
Summary: When Black Hayate manages to get himself lost one morning, Colonel Mustang wastes no time in organising an effort to help Lieutenant Hawkeye track down her missing dog. Riza herself is attempting to appear calm and collected as usual, but as time goes on and the Shiba Inu still hasn't been found, keeping a handle on her emotions begins to prove difficult - and it's not just the Lieutenant's emotions that are becoming tricky to navigate.
Relationships: Black Hayate & Riza Hawkeye, Maes Hughes & Roy Mustang, Rebecca Catalina & Riza Hawkeye, Riza Hawkeye & Team Mustang, Riza Hawkeye/Roy Mustang, Roy Mustang & Team Mustang
Comments: 21
Kudos: 72
Collections: FMA Secret Santa 2020





	I Can't Be Alone With All That's On My Mind

**Author's Note:**

  * For [by_nina](https://archiveofourown.org/users/by_nina/gifts).



> My fic for the FMA Secret Santa 2020 exchange! It's my first published FMA fanfiction, so I hope you enjoy it.  
> Please leave a comment if you can! They are very much appreciated.
> 
> Timeline notes: Set when the members of the Mustang Unit are situated in East City headquarters, prior to the anime/manga introduction but after Ed has been recruited.
> 
> Title from Walk Me Home by P!nk.

It's no secret that Riza Hawkeye is basically the reason the Mustang Unit is still functioning.

Not to say that they're not capable of taking care of themselves - they are all grown men, even Fuery, baby-faced that he might be - but she is the one that pushes them to get paperwork done on time, keeps them from getting too rowdy or distracted, and keeps their Colonel in line.

So, when the Lieutenant is notably absent from her desk one morning without prior notice, there’s a clear sense of unease among the men. They go for half an hour purposefully _not_ looking at her desk or the door before Jean takes it upon himself to break the silence.

“So do we start placing bets on why she’s not here?”

“She filed for time off months ago and the Colonel forgot about it,” Breda replies instantaneously, not looking up from the report he’s reading.

“Nope,” Jean responds, leaning back in his chair. “She would’ve anticipated that and reminded him one week before, _and_ yesterday just in case he’d forgotten again.”

That earns him a glare from Mustang, but the Colonel doesn’t say anything, which Jean takes to mean he’s right.

“Do you think she’s alright?” Fuery asks. “I mean, the Lieutenant wouldn’t just not show up to work without saying anything.”

“It is unusual behaviour from her,” Falman adds. “Lieutenant Hawkeye is the most organised out of any of us.”

“She’s fine,” Mustang interjects, before Jean can start listing the possible reasons she’s late. “Any moment now, she’ll either walk through that door or she’ll call to explain her absence. There’s no point debating it.”

The words are spoken with confidence, but the way the Colonel’s gaze lingers on Hawkeye’s desk and he doesn’t move back into his own office suggests otherwise. Jean exchanges a look with Breda, and then they continue with their work.

Another half an hour passes before the phone inside Mustang’s office rings, at which the Colonel looks pointedly at them all as if to say ‘see?’ before going to answer it, finally leaving his spot of hovering in the door frame between their shared office and his own personal one. Jean waits a few seconds in the silence after Mustang answers the phone; it’s either Hawkeye, just as he predicted, _or-_

“ _Not now, Hughes._ ”

As _Jean_ predicted, the phone is slammed down almost instantly.

“Careful with the phone, Sir,” he offers helpfully - in the Lieutenant’s absence, he might as well cover for her.

“Don’t get smart with me, Havoc,” is his only response, before the phone rings again.

“Hughes, I swear - oh. Yes, put her through.”

Paperwork forgotten, Jean and the rest of Team Mustang listen in to the following audible half of the conversation.

“Lieutenant. Are you alright? The men were getting worried about you… I see. No, no, it’s alright. I’ll see you in a few hours, then. Good luck.”

Mustang opens his mouth to say something else, then looks back at his subordinates - who aren’t even pretending not to listen, Jean included - as if debating whether or not to say what he wants in front of them. Making up his mind, he says one last thing before putting the phone down.

“I’m glad you’re alright, Lieutenant.”

Once the phone is on its hook, the Colonel turns to the four men eagerly awaiting an answer and offers them a smirk.

“The Lieutenant is fine. She’ll be with us in a few hours.”

“What happened?” Jean asks - because Riza Hawkeye being late is still a noteworthy occurrence that requires an explanation. Mustang sighs.

“Her dog went missing sometime in the early morning. He can’t have gone far, so as soon as she finds him and gets him back home safely she’ll be resuming her duties.”

“Black Hayate?” Fuery rises from his desk, concern in his voice and written on his features. “Shouldn’t we help the Lieutenant go look for him? He could be hurt, or lost!”

“If we go out and help her look, we’ll get Lieutenant Hawkeye back with us in no time,” Breda offers, which the Colonel appears to consider briefly before shaking his head.

“You’re all to resume your duties as usual in the Lieutenant’s absence,” he announces. “Skilled as she is, we can all survive without her for a number of hours.”

“I hope you’ll be able to get through all of _that_ before she comes back then,” Havoc responds, nodding to the visible stack of paperwork piled on the Colonel’s desk. 

Havoc watches the Colonel briefly have a mental battle with himself as he weighs up his options, and evidently, his chronic procrastination wins out overall because he moves to grab his coat.

“I suppose it will boost morale. A team bonding exercise, if you will.”

* * *

The Colonel splits the group to look in different areas of East City, with Breda staying behind at HQ in case the Lieutenant calls (as they all agreed that him joining the Hayate Hunt would be a tremendously bad idea), Falman and Fuery taking the southern half of the city, and Havoc accompanying Mustang as they search through the northern half.

“Fuery and Falman will be covering several parks that the Lieutenant takes Hayate to during walks,” Mustang says, “but there’s a few other spots they frequent that we can try first.”

“You have Hawkeye’s dog walking route memorised, Sir?” Jean questions, allowing a hint of teasing to enter his voice. The only answer he’s graced with is a glare before the Colonel resolutely doesn’t look at him for a few minutes as they walk through the city. 

They search for roughly about half an hour - ducking into several alleyways that Jean would rather _not_ be in, thank you very much, but Mustang reminds him that he’s not the only one with paperwork waiting for him on his desk, so he quits complaining - before Jean notices a familiar blonde a little farther down the street from them.

“Is that the Lieutenant?” He asks, drawing the Colonel’s attention.

“So it is,” Mustang responds, before purposefully stepping in her direction, leaving Jean to catch up.

“Lieutenant.”

The woman in question turns her head in Mustang’s direction, her eyes giving away surprised for just a moment before assuming her usual neutral expression - though there is a worried crease between her eyebrows that usually only appears by the 5th stack of paperwork in a day.

“Colonel. What are you doing here?”

“Assisting in the search for a missing officer,” Mustang grins.

“And procrastinating,” Jean chimes in cheerfully, to which Mustang elbows him in the ribs and Hawkeye levels him with a _look_.

“Thank you for the thought, but you have work to be doing,” Hawkeye says, eyes turning away from the Colonel. “I’m sure I’ll find him soon.”

It’s at this point that Jean realises this is the most dishevelled he’s seen the Lieutenant - meaning, of course, that she still looks professional and put-together to the untrained eye, but he can spy her hair is close to falling out of its usual barrette, and there are hints of dark shadows under her eyes that wouldn’t typically be there. 

“I’m sure you’ll find him sooner with people to help cover more ground,” Mustang insists. “I’ve already got Fuery and Falman on the case, too.”

Hawkeye sighs. “Sir-”

“When did Hayate go missing?” The Colonel asks.

“At around half six this morning,” the Lieutenant answers. “I always take him on a walk before I leave for work, but his leash must have unclipped, or - something. He’s a good boy, and he can’t have gone far, so please leave this to me and return to your duties, Colonel.”

“Your hair is loose,” is all Mustang remarks in response, and that gets him a _glare_. 

“Well, where have you checked already?” Jean intervenes as Hawkeye opens her mouth to speak again. “As you said, he can’t have gone far, so if we work from where you’ve already searched and head outwards…”

“Funnily enough, I’d thought of that myself,” Hawkeye answers tersely, eyes scanning the pavement opposite from the side of the road the three of them are standing on. “And I’m perfectly capable of -”  
A convenient - or inconvenient - gust of wind chooses then to cut the Lieutenant off, and the barrette keeping her hair in place completely gives up, leaving her hair to tumble down her shoulders. She hisses something - probably a curse - under her breath and reaches to redo it, but the Colonel already has the clip in one hand, gathering Hawkeye’s hair together with the other.

A faint but noticeable blush colours the Lieutenant’s cheeks, and Jean suddenly feels like he’s watching something personal. 

“I wasn’t aware you were an aspiring hairdresser, Sir,” he quips - if just to break the awkward silence that’s descended between them. Mustang chuckles, eyes focused.

“I grew up with sisters; I know how to do hair.”

True to his word, the Colonel fixes up the Lieutenant's hair with what looks like practised ease - in fact, Jean ponders, it just might be. Hawkeye steps away as soon as he's done.

"... Thank you, Sir," she says, the light red on her cheeks still not fading.

"You're welcome, Lieutenant," Mustang replies, and while the smirk on his face is the typical one he wears whenever he's flirting (or boasting), there's a warmth in his eyes that Jean's only ever seen directed at one woman. The Lieutenant turns to face him, and for a brief moment their eyes meet and they appear to get stuck there, smiling at each other. It's the most ridiculously romantic thing Jean's ever seen, and he can't stand it. He clears his throat, and both Hawkeye and Mustang jolt back to themselves. 

"Well, I suppose since you're here now you might as well help me look," Hawkeye concedes.

"We'll find him in no time," the Colonel assures.

* * *

They did not, in fact, find Hayate in no time.

Riza prides herself on being level-headed and in control of her emotions while chaos surrounds her; she’s well aware that she has a reputation around East City Command for being cold and relatively distant, which she’s not too fussed about. The people that know her well enough know that she has more of an emotional range than she might outwardly show, and that’s good enough for her.

A downside of that, though, is when the Colonel keeps giving her concerned glances throughout the morning when she’s perfectly content to appear collected as usual throughout this whole ordeal, despite becoming increasingly anxious as the day progresses.

Around midday she, Havoc and Roy end up reuniting with Falman and Fuery, the latter looking about as outwardly distressed as Riza feels.

“No luck at your end either, then?” Roy asks, and Fuery shakes his head forlornly.

“We checked all the parks I usually walk him through, and the ones on this side of the city that you take him to as well, Lieutenant,” he says, nodding to her, “but we haven’t found any sign of him so far.”

“We’ll find him,” Havoc says resolutely. “As Hawkeye said earlier, he can’t have gone far. He’s in this city _somewhere_.”

Riza looks to the Second Lieutenant to reply affirmatively but is momentarily taken aback by the same look of concern that Roy’s had the entire morning in his eyes too. 

In fact, when she looks fleetingly to Falman and Fuery, they’ve got the exact same expression.

It takes her off guard briefly; she was aware that the unit were some of the few who saw through the cool exterior she displays, but she didn’t think she was so transparent that they would all be looking at her like _that_. 

There’s an echoing of the feeling she’d gotten when she was assigned to her first unit in Ishval; she’d been the only woman in her unit, and the men amongst her had all looked at her like she was about to break at any minute. She knows this scenario isn’t the same - the men in this squad respect her and don’t treat her like glass - but the familiarity of being looked at like she’s something fragile makes something twist within her.

“It’s gone twelve; you should be returning to work.” 

The Colonel looks at her with something like surprise; why, she’s not too sure. 

“I thought we already agreed we could cover more ground with -”

“You can’t be absent from your desk all day, and I happen to know that you have at least three documents that need signing by the end of today and another seven by tomorrow,” she interrupts. “It’s really best that you return.”

Roy looks at her with confliction for a few seconds, then seems to find something in Riza’s eyes that makes him give in. 

“Alright,” he sighs. “Myself, Havoc and Falman will return to command, on the condition Fuery stays to help look. He’s the one who’ll know best after you where to find Hayate, after all.”

“Yes, Sir,” she and Fuery both chorus, and with that, the group makes to separate. She’s just about to start discussing the ground already covered with the Sergeant when a call from behind distracts her.

“ _Good luck, Lieutenant!_ _We’ll have him back in no time!_ ”

She and Fuery both turn to see Havoc, evidently the one who spoke, offering a thumbs up. The Colonel grabs his arm to make him continue walking, and Riza observes the interaction with a faint smile before focusing on the task at hand.

“Right,” Fuery says, pulling out a folded up map of the city from his pocket. “I’ve marked down everywhere Falman and I covered, so if you add where you checked with the Colonel and Havoc, we can go from there.”

After establishing the already visited spots on the map, and any places that Hayate might be more likely to return to so would be worth a double check, Riza and Fuery head in separate directions. Riza finds herself straying from parks and paths that she frequents on her morning and evening walks to slightly less conventional places, like the area surrounding the apartment complex she knows the owner of a particular labrador that Hayate likes lives in, or, more humiliatingly, the bin shed behind her local butcher’s, which is of course where a familiar voice calls out to her.

“Riza Hawkeye, I never thought you’d be one to be rifling through the bins,” the voice says, and Riza rolls her eyes before turning to face one Rebecca Catalina.

“Speak for yourself,” she returns. “I think I remember that one night during our second year of the Academy-”

“Not the same,” Rebecca counters, before she can finish. “Now, come on, out of the bin shed. I can’t believe my hunch was right.”

“What are you even doing here?” Riza asks.

“Looking for Hayate,” Rebecca answers. “And I have permission from Grumman to be assisting you - before you start protesting like you did with the Colonel.”

Of course.

Of _course_ Roy went straight to Grumman - her grandfather, of all people, knowing he’d allow it - rather than leaving her to her own devices. It’s so typically him - his way of caring, making sure there’s someone with her even when she’s protested otherwise because he _knows_ she’s bothered more than she wants to let on - in a way that makes her face burn and her teeth grit at the same time.

“Get that look off your face,” Rebecca remarks. “It’s a good thing I showed up when I did, otherwise I’d probably find you _in_ the bin.”

Riza glares wordlessly, because while the notion was silly, it _had_ crossed her mind.

A smooth hand slips into hers, and Rebecca gives Riza an encouraging smile.

“Come on,” she says, giving Riza’s hand a tug. “Let’s keep searching together before you lose it and start searching more bin sheds.”  
“I don’t know why you’re treating the idea so incredulously; it’s a reasonable place for a dog to be,” Riza mutters, letting herself be pulled along all the same.

As they search together, Riza realises why Roy had sent Rebecca to help rather than coming back himself (aside from the tower of paperwork she knows is on his desk); her brunette friend has the same bouncy energy as always surrounding her, as opposed to the Colonel’s looks of worry sent her way every five minutes. There’s no nervous silence between them, as Rebecca fills it with chatter about everything and nothing.

Also, Rebecca can shout louder than any of them.

“ _HAYATE!_ ” she calls, startling several pigeons and a few people on the street opposite, as the sun begins to set below the skyline. Usually, Riza would care about the looks of judgement they garner from passers-by, but at this point she’s far beyond that - in fact, she fires back a couple of her own glares in return. Maybe it’s a little unnecessary, but now that the sun is beginning to set - being winter, it gets dark early, around the time she’d be leaving work on a normal day - she’s growing antsier about the whole situation. 

She almost doesn’t notice when they run into Fuery again.

“Still no luck for you?” Rebecca asks, which is what draws her attention. Fuery shakes his head, before seemingly noticing something.

“Are you alright, Lieutenant Catalina?”

Riza snaps to examine her friend at that; she’s fidgeting and glancing at her watch, and Riza remembers with a pang of guilt something that Rebecca hadn’t mentioned at all this afternoon, but during her lunch break last week.

“You have a date,” she realises.

Rebecca bites her lip. “They can wait.”

“No, go.”

“Seriously, Riza-”

“If you like the man, then _go_ .”

Rebecca looks between Riza, to Fuery, to her watch, then back to Riza again.

“I’m sorry,” she says, grabbing Riza into a hug. “You’ll find him, I know you will. You’re the Hawk’s Eye!”

“That I am,” Riza responds, adding a smile she hopes is reassuring. Judging by Rebecca’s pained look, it wasn’t that effective. “Now go!”

“ _Fine_!”

Trying to ignore the even more present worry in his eyes, Riza turns to Fuery.

“Shall we go over the map again?”

* * *

It’s hours after dark when Riza notices that Fuery is starting to shiver next to her. She hadn’t noticed that it had gotten cold.

“You should go home,” she advises, only to get a resolute head shake in turn. 

“Not until we find him,” the younger man replies, and Riza wants to accept his help, but she can’t let him stay out here in the cold all night when she was the one who lost her own dog in the first place.

A thought crosses her mind then, and another load of guilt adds itself to the writhing feeling of anxiety in her gut. 

“I’m sorry,” she blurts out. Fuery whips his head to look at her so fast it’s almost comical, with a look of such blatant confusion it warms and breaks Riza’s heart all at once.

“What for?”

“You were the one who found Black Hayate in the first place,” she explains. “I should have taken better care of him.”

“Don’t be silly,” Fuery admonishes. “Pets can get lost all the time. It doesn’t mean you’re a bad owner.”

“But if I’d been -”

“There’s no point in thinking things like that. All we can do is try and find him as soon as possible.”

Riza takes a breath, then smiles at Fuery. “Thank you, Kain,” she says, and he returns the smile. “Now go home.”

“Only if you do,” is his response this time, taking her aback.

“I can’t-”

“There’s only so much searching you can do in the dark,” he says. “If you search all night, then you’ll be too tired come morning to search for him effectively when there’s light on your side.”

She knows he’s right.

She knows he’s right, and yet it feels like a betrayal to give up now. 

“You can work on missing dog posters at home,” Fuery assures her. “And you can ask around your neighbours, too - see if they can keep a lookout for you.”

Riza nods, looking up at the stars and blinking rapidly because she will _not_ cry in front of the youngest member of their unit.

“I can walk you home,” Fuery offers.

They walk together, allowing silence to fall between them again until they reach Riza’s apartment complex. 

“We’ll find him, Lieutenant,” Fuery says with the certainty of a promise, and Riza smiles at him again. 

“Of course,” she says. “Thank you, Sergeant.”

With that, they part ways, and Riza feels her heart sink further with every step up she takes in the stairwell towards her apartment before it plummets as she shuts the door and sits slumped against it.

Riza allows herself five minutes to sit there before getting to work with Fuery’s suggestions; she busies herself by making posters with ‘MISSING DOG’ blazoned across the top in bold letters before knocking on her neighbours’ doors and asking them to look out for Hayate if they can. That kills time for another couple of hours, at which point she realises she hasn’t actually eaten all day, so she makes herself something quick for dinner -

-And reaches for the dog food out of habit.

It takes her a moment to realise what she’s doing; she’s so used to this routine that she doesn’t notice until she’s facing Hayate’s food bowl and then freezes.

The quiet and emptiness of her apartment is suddenly so much more evident than before, and Riza feels it with a pang in her chest, sharp and painful. Black Hayate - her BraHa - is out there, probably cold and alone and scared, too, and the thought makes her eyes begin to prick with tears.

The phone rings.

Riza stares at it blankly for a second before moving to pick it up, blinking the yet unshed tears away before she answers.

“Hello?”

“Lieutenant,” a familiar voice responds, and of course - who else would it be?

“Colonel,” she says, “what is it?”

Hope flashes through her for a moment, and she asks before she loses it. “Do you have any news about Hayate?”

Roy winces on the other end of the line, and the hope dies before he even speaks. “Sorry, I haven’t heard anything,” he says apologetically. “I was just calling because, ah, well…”

She waits.

“I thought you might be lonely,” the Colonel says. “In the apartment, by yourself. So I thought… I’d call.”

He sounds embarrassed, like he’d had the idea and dialled her number on a whim before properly thinking it through - which, knowing him, was likely exactly the case. The thought makes her smile before she thinks of something else.

“Do _you_ get lonely?”

“Sorry?”

“In an apartment by yourself,” Riza echoes his earlier words.

There’s a pause.

“Sometimes,” Roy admits, and the pang in Riza’s chest from earlier returns, though not as forceful as before. There’s another pause, filled with something raw that neither of them dares touch upon.

“Maybe _you_ should get a dog, Sir,” she quips, letting the moment pass.

“I don’t think I’m a dog person.”

“You said you loved dogs, if I remember correctly.”

“And then I was deemed an unfit owner.”

“A cat, then.”

Just like that, they’re back on course to familiar banter.

“You might be on the right track there, Lieutenant. It would have to get on with Hayate, though…”

Riza blinks in surprise, and the pause leaves them off course once more.

Roy clears his throat. “Because we work together so often, of course. And - um - pet-sitting reasons. For favours. Favours that friends do for each other.”

“Right. Yes.”

The silence that follows is awkward this time.

“Anyway, uh - as I was saying, I just wanted to call to check in. So if you’re… okay…?”

“Yes. I am.” The lie is easy.

“You’re sure?”

This time she hesitates.

“We’ll find him,” Roy assures her.

“So everyone keeps telling me,” she replies shortly, then regrets it. He’s only tried to help her all day, after all. “Sorry. I’m just… worried.”

“It’s alright, I understand.”

The conversation lulls again, but this silence isn't uncomfortable. It's the kind of quiet that reminds Riza of their younger days when she and Roy would sit together while she focused on homework and Roy studied alchemy. There'd be evenings when they hardly spoke at all to each other, with just the wind and rain beating against the window making the only sound in the room. 

It's always been the case, Riza thinks, that they've always used more than words to talk to each other.

"Ah, I shouldn't keep you up late," the Colonel says, drawing Riza's attention to the clock above her on the wall. The hands read five to one. "Get a good night's sleep."

"You too, Colonel," she replies. "Good night."

Riza puts the phone down, and the apartment is empty of sound once more.

* * *

The next morning Riza wakes up before sunrise and is out of the door by half-past five in the morning. She spends the next few hours searching for Hayate - retracing her steps from yesterday, checking anywhere she might have missed and taping her ‘missing dog’ posters to lampposts as she goes.

By 9 AM, she’s well into her search, but also has the nagging thought in the back of her mind of the five particular documents still sitting on her desk that need signing. While this situation is far farther up her list of priorities than work - she’d shoot the Fuhrer himself if he tried to get between her and her dog, probably - Riza supposes she can likely get to headquarters and deal with anything urgent and only lose half an hour.

When she enters the office, however, she’s greeted with the sight of a large chalkboard at one end of the room, a map of East City stuck to it, and Colonel Mustang marking off areas of said map with a marker - all the areas she, Rebecca and Fuery had covered yesterday.

“Havoc?”

“I checked through the south-west sector, mainly; the footpaths from Wayfield Way up through to Foxtail Street. One of my exes had a dog and she always took him there, so figured it was worth a try.”

“Good work,” Roy nods, adding a series of crosses to the map. “So if we add the areas I checked, and those checked by Falman - down to precise coordinates, I’ll give you a bonus for that - then we’ve got…”

“I’ve got a few more to add too, Sir,” Breda chimes in.

“But you’re terrified of dogs,” Riza says, drawing the attention of the men in the room. The Colonel straightens.

“Lieutenant,” he says, “We weren’t expecting you today.”

“I have some urgent paperwork I need to complete, then I’ll be on my way, if that’s alright.”

“Oh, any of your outstanding paperwork has been taken care of.”

Riza blinks.

“By who?”

Roy glances aside for a moment before returning her gaze. “By… me?”

Riza stares.

Colonel Roy Mustang, infamous procrastinator, the man that once decided to _wash the windows of his office_ rather than start the paperwork he had due that afternoon, completed not only his own work (she sneaked a glance at his desk when she came in, and there was no tell-tale tower of paper) but her own too.

Roy’s cheeks start to turn red, and Riza realises she’s been staring and not saying anything. All that leaves her mouth when she opens it to speak, though, is a faint “Oh.”

“I had Officer Falman check over them this morning, too, so you don’t need to worry about -”

“I wasn’t-”

“Oh, well-”

The sharp tone of the phone ringing cuts into the conversation, and Riza is beyond relieved.

“I’ll - uh - I’ll get that now. Lieutenant, as you’re here, you can add any points to the map you’ve visited this morning, and then we’ll review.”

The Colonel hurries to his office and shuts the door, leaving Riza to wonder what on earth it is about such a simple act of completing paperwork that’s making her heart beat so fast.

* * *

Roy shuts the door to his office and answers the phone without really focusing on it, wondering why such a simple act of completing paperwork made the Lieutenant look at him like _that_. 

“Colonel Mustang speaking.”

“Roy!”

He doesn’t know who else he expected.

“Now is _really_ not the time, Hughes.”

“You didn’t let me talk yesterday either,” Hughes whines, and Roy sighs.

“Lieutenant Hawkeye’s dog has gone missing,” he says, to hurry the conversation. At this point, he should start adding ‘able to cut short and/or derail a conversation with Maes Hughes’ to his list of applicable skills.

“Black Hayate?!” Hughes exclaims, “has he been missing since I last called? I’ll keep an eye out.”

“You live in _Central_.”

“And? Hayate’s a smart boy. Don’t doubt his ability to board a train.”

Usually, he'd slam the phone down, but a little voice in the back of his head - a familiar, Lieutenant-like voice - reminds him that if he breaks it one of these days he’ll probably have to pay for it, so he _places_ it onto the receiver, disconnecting the call.

* * *

Now he thinks about it, it’s probably a good thing that it was Hawkeye that took in Hayate and not anyone else in the unit - because Roy doesn’t think he’d be able to slip his entire unit conducting a search and rescue mission for a dog past Grumman if it wasn’t his granddaughter’s dog in particular. 

Especially as by the afternoon it’s beginning to look like the search may head into its third day.

Roy keeps a careful eye on the Lieutenant throughout the day - in the morning it seems like the night’s rest has refreshed her focus, but as the day progresses and he splits the team out further he can see the things he’s come to know as signs of anxiety in her; her hands keep fleeting from adjusting her hair to curling at her sides as if she’s itching to have a gun in her hands. Briefly, he considers taking her hand in his, but dismisses it quickly.

“Quit looking at me like that,” she hisses curtly, somewhen around the time when the sky starts to dim.

“Like what?”

“I’m _fine_.”

“Really? I wouldn’t be.” 

The Lieutenant regards him for a moment, the two of them walking side by side. “And if our places were reversed, you’d likely be acting as if you were perfectly fine, too.”

… Okay, well, she’s right there. But-

“So you admit it’s an act?”

That gets him one of the Lieutenant’s _Looks_ \- always with a capital L, in his mind - and he takes his cue to stop talking.

“Quit harassing the Lieutenant,” comes Havoc’s voice from behind them. “Still nothing?”

“Nothing,” Roy answers.

“It’s starting to get dark,” Havoc remarks, glancing upwards. “Should we-”

“I’m not going home,” Hawkeye interjects. “I did so last night, and I encourage you to do so now, but I’m not stopping until Hayate’s found.”

He can tell from the steel edge to her voice - and the slight shake in her shoulders - that she means it, and Roy’s not about to try and talk her down given the situation.

Still, he can always keep her company all the same.

“Go home, Havoc,” he instructs.

“Uh - are you sure?”

“I’ll keep on looking with the Lieutenant,” he reassures. “You head home, and I’ll let you know if we find anything.”

The Second Lieutenant leaves as dismissed, offering a “Hang in there, Hawkeye,” before he goes. That leaves Roy and Lieutenant Hawkeye together, with Roy bringing out the map once more.

“So, if I mark off the paths we’ve covered in the past hour or so… we can check the park near Commercial Heights again, or the western courtyard. Then if we don’t get any luck there, there’s that patch of forest near Langham Willows Road…” 

His eyes drift away from the map to find the Lieutenant’s watching him. “What is it?”

“Thank you,” Hawkeye murmurs.

Roy smiles. “Anytime, Lieutenant.”

They walk together, periodically calling for Hayate and searching any place they can think of. Roy cracks jokes here and there - knowing that his adjutant will see straight through them, but making the effort all the same to see if he can get her to relax. Eventually, they end up heading in the direction Roy aimed for.

He can tell the moment Hawkeye notices; she stops short and her face closes off.

“You’re leading me back to my apartment.”

There’s no point denying it. “Yes, I am.”

“I told you I wasn’t stopping.”

“And now I’m telling you that you need to rest.”

“ _No_.” 

Over the years, Roy has grown familiar with all kinds of expression in Riza Hawkeye’s voice; he knows her cool and calm tone that she wears from day to day, the defeated hoarseness he remembers from some of their darkest days, the short irritation when they’ve been buried under week-old paperwork for days on end. 

Right now, her voice is cold but slipping into something hot and painful underneath, like ice cracking beneath a flame. 

As one would when navigating thin ice, Roy really should tread carefully.

Instead, he pushes.

“I’ll make it an order if I have to.”

The Lieutenant’s brown eyes burn into his own before they dull painfully into a resignation that makes Roy’s chest ache. He steps forward - 

And the Lieutenant steps back.

“Don’t!”

The volume of her voice makes him freeze; the Lieutenant herself looks surprised, too.

A light switches on in a window of the apartment block near them, and they both watch it carefully. Roy’s still focused on it when the Lieutenant’s voice pulls his gaze away.

“Sorry, Sir. You’re right, I should -” she coughs. “I should go home.”

The ice is even thinner now. 

“Lieutenant…” 

He trails off. He didn’t even know what he was going to say when he started.

“Let me walk you home.”

Apparently _that’s_ what he was going to say.

Hawkeye nods, and they walk in solemn silence back to her apartment building. Once she enters through the lobby doorway, she doesn’t pause to bid him goodbye; rather, she leaves the door open for him to follow through. 

Roy pauses halfway through the entryway, unsure. It’s not as if it’s the first time he’s been to her apartment, but he feels weirdly off-kilter here. It reminds him vaguely of the first time the Lieutenant had allowed him into her bedroom to study together when they were young, and he’s stood carefully distant from any object without touching anything until she’d told him to sit down and get to work already.

He follows the Lieutenant up to her apartment door, where she turns back to face him. Both of them seem to fail to find any words for a few seconds.

“Tea?”

Roy short circuits for a second, staring dumbfoundedly at the woman in the doorway in front of him. While yes, he's been to her apartment before, it's never at this hour, and he's not sure whether he's reading too much into this interaction-

"You should make up your mind either way and move out of my doorway. Before the neighbours start to talk, ideally."

That startles him into moving through the threshold - and after a good look at his Lieutenant in decent light, he moves towards the kettle in the kitchen.

“You sit down; I’ll make it.”

Instead of arguing otherwise, the Lieutenant simply sits at her kitchen table as Roy goes about making tea for both of them. He’s partly distracted while he lets it steep when the Lieutenant speaks again.

“What if I never see him again?”

Roy turns. The Lieutenant’s eyes are fixed on the dog food bowl.

“If he’s dead? Or we just… never find him? What then?”

Setting the tea down in front of her, Roy takes the kitchen chair next to the Lieutenant.

“Don’t worry yourself with that now,” he says. “For now, just drink your tea, then go to sleep.”

The Lieutenant dutifully sips her tea, before smiling wistfully.

“Did I ever tell you about the time Hayate tried to dodge hail in a storm despite the door inside being about 10 feet away?”

Roy grins. “No, but I’ll definitely hear this one.”

He listens to the Lieutenant’s story - and a couple more - while they finish their tea, then stands up and extends his hand to hers once they’re done.

“Tea over, now sleep,” he says, and Hawkeye rolls her eyes.

“I am capable of putting myself to bed, you know,” she insists. “Sorry for keeping you - you should get home yourself.”

She shows him to the door, and just before he leaves, Roy stops. The Lieutenant’s eyebrows raise in question, and Roy hesitates before pressing a light kiss to her forehead.

“I promise,” he says lowly, “I promise you that we’ll bring him back home safe.”

Hawkeye nods, and with that, they part.

After leaving the apartment building, Roy takes out the map and resumes searching. It’s late and dark, so it’s hard to see, but he made a promise and he intends on seeing it through.

Several false hopes and two hours later, and after realising that he’s too tired to search effectively, Roy heads back towards his own apartment. 

He almost misses the glint that catches the light near his shoe.

Bending down, he makes out the shape of a dog collar to the right of the sidewalk, close to the road. He picks it up to examine - and, as he suspected, the glint that caught his eye was the tag on the collar with Black Hayate’s details inscribed. 

That’s not all, though - with a sinking feeling, Roy walks closer to the nearest lamppost to get a good look at the collar, and notices the dark red of blood.

 _Oh, no_ , he thinks. _Please, no._

* * *

He’s outside her door the next morning, about to knock when she opens it - before standing back in surprise.

“Colonel? What are you doing here?”

Roy takes a breath before holding out the collar. “I found this on my way home last night,” he explains.

The Lieutenant takes the collar - clean of blood, because he’s not about to give Hawkeye a blood-covered collar belonging to her missing dog - from his hand gingerly, fingers brushing over the tag. “Where did you find it?” she asks.

“On the sidewalk, near my apartment.” 

In between examining the collar, the Lieutenant looks up and evidently notices something in Roy’s face that gives away his unease.

“... There’s something else,” she realises. 

He really doesn’t want to do this to her.

“There was blood on the collar when I found it,” Roy says carefully, watching the Lieutenant’s face to judge her reaction.

Her expression doesn’t change, but her face pales considerably.

“It could mean nothing,” he rushes to amend. “A small cut, something inconsequential.”

“Of course,” Hawkeye says, and the layer of ice in her tone is back.

“Lieutenant-”

“Thank you for returning this to me, Colonel. Are you continuing to headquarters after this?”

“I am, yes. Maybe you should come with me. We can regroup with the others and concentrate the search around the area where I found the collar.”

The Lieutenant appears to consider this briefly before nodding shortly. Without any further conversation, she shuts the front door behind her and starts walking.

When they enter the office at HQ, Havoc and Breda are already present, despite it being an hour earlier than any of the team would be there on any other day. 

“Morning,” Havoc greets, already making his way over to the map covered in marker pen. “I’ve marked off my and Breda’s locations from yesterday already. New day, new dawn, we’ll have Hayate back to his owner in no time.”

Breda, however, is eyeing the collar in Hawkeye’s hand. “Is that what I think it is?” 

After a glance towards the Lieutenant, Roy explains the situation himself. There’s a beat of silence after he finishes speaking before Havoc is practically tripping over himself to reassure Hawkeye, with Breda following suit. Roy leaves them to it, adding his own marks to the map from his search last night and circling the area surrounding the street he found the collar on. Falman enters not too long afterwards, and after they explain (again), they start to plan with their updated information. However, as time goes on, Roy notices the Lieutenant beginning to fiddle nervously with the collar.

Before he can ask, she voices her concerns.

"We shouldn't tell Fuery about the blood," she says suddenly, cutting the current conversation short.

"Are you sure…?" Falman asks hesitantly. Hawkeye nods. 

"All sorts of conclusions can be drawn from something like that," she states. "It would only worry him, and-"

The Lieutenant inhales, about to continue, but the breath catches in her throat. As she coughs to clear it, Roy notices her hands gripping the collar so hard her knuckles have turned white, and he realises that the ice is about to crack - and that the following few minutes aren't going to be anything that Hawkeye wants to be witnessed.

"Lieutenant," he says gently, "my office?"

She nods and ducks in, and he follows.

After shutting the door, he turns to the blonde, who has her face turned away from him. 

"I'm alright," she says quietly, after a moment. "I just needed a minute."

Roy studies her for a moment; although he can't see her face, he can see the Lieutenant's shoulders shake and guesses that she's repressing tears. 

Before he can say anything, he hears an "Oh, hey, Chief!" Through the door, and feels the urge to slam his head into a wall. He _really_ doesn't want to deal with Fullmetal today.

"I'll be one minute," he assures the Lieutenant, then opens the door and steps out, letting the door close behind him.

"Hey, Bastard," Fullmetal says cheerfully. "Is the Lieutenant here?"

"She's busy," he replies flatly. "What do you need to see her for?"

" _Well_ ," Ed starts, and then Fuery enters the office, beaming ear to ear, closely followed by Alphonse.

Alphonse, who is holding a very familiar Shiba Inu in his arms.

Edward and Alphonse Elric suddenly become two of Roy's favourite people in this world. 

"I owe you about ten favours," he breathes, which he'll regret later, but right now he couldn't care less. 

He opens the door back to poke his head into the office and beams at the Lieutenant.

"Someone's here to see you," he grins, before opening the door wider to allow Ed, Al and Hayate into view.

Hayate jumps from Al's arms and bounds across the room to his master, who greets him with matching excitement, gathering up the Shiba Inu into her arms.

"Hayate!" The Lieutenant holds him tightly to her, before giving him a series of kisses atop his head. "Where have you _been_? Oh, BraHa, don't you ever run off like that again, I was so _worried_ …"

She turns to the brothers then, eyes suspiciously red-rimmed. "Where did you find him?"

"Around the bins in the hotel near the station," Ed says. "We didn't even know he was missing."

"If Rebecca ever tells me I'm wrong again I'll remind her of this," Hawkeye mutters under her breath.

"Oh, he had a little scratch!" Al advises, "I think he might have gotten it trying to get through a fence or something like that. It doesn't look too bad, though!" 

Hawkeye smiles gratefully at the boys, while Hayate licks at her face gleefully. "Thank you, Edward, Alphonse." 

"A-Ah, it was no problem!"

"Yeah, anytime, Lieutenant!" 

The Lieutenant buries her face into Hayate's fur, trying (and failing) to disguise a sniffle. The look of panic that crosses Ed's face is quite something.

"Uh - a-are you -"

"The Lieutenant will be just fine," Roy interrupts, ushering the brothers out of the room. "We'll be with you in a few minutes. I'm sure the rest of the team can keep you entertained by catching you up on the past couple of days."

Once the door is shut once more, Roy approaches the Lieutenant. 

"Are you okay?" He asks softly, receiving a nod in return.

"I'm fine, really," Hawkeye says, somewhat muffled by Shiba Inu. "I'm not quite sure why I'm - all -"

"It's been a long few days," Roy says. "Don't be ashamed to cry." 

"I'm not crying," Hawkeye protests; at which moment Hayate decides he wants to be free from her arms and jumps down to run under Roy's desk, leaving her with no face shield. The Lieutenant attempts to hide her face within her elbow instead, but Roy catches her arm before she can. There are tear tracks on her cheeks and fresh tears welling in her eyes, but she's still attempting to contain them.

The ice doesn't have to crack. Not if it can thaw slowly first.

"Riza," he says. "It's-"

Before he can finish, Riza wraps her arms around his waist and buries her face into his shoulder. Roy completely seizes up for a moment, wondering what on earth to _do_ or _say_ and _where does he put his hands?_ before reminding himself that he's not _seventeen_ anymore, _quit blushing_ , and places his arms lightly around her. They remain like that for a few minutes, quiet except for the occasional sniff from the blonde head resting on his shoulder, until he opens his mouth to speak and is cut off.

"Don't," Riza says. "You'll ruin the moment." 

"Well, now the moment is over," Roy replies jauntily, "And it wasn't even me who broke it."

"Better I do it than you. You'd make some stupid remark about having damsels in distress crying in your arms."

Roy gasps. "I would _never_."

"Everyone in the room next door can vouch for the fact that you _would_."

"If you'd like to invite them in to watch us hug, then, by all means, be my guest."

"Nothing wrong with a hug between friends, Colonel."

"Right. Yes. Of course."

Friends.

Because they can't be anything more than that. No matter their history, or the way they're holding each other right now, or the longing, aching want that Roy has for more - there's too much at stake for them to risk anything more. That, and the notion of the two of them finding happiness in each other, after all they've done…

It's not something they can entertain. Not now, and maybe not ever. But a hug between friends… he'll settle for that. 

Or, he would, if Black Hayate didn't decide that he needed attention and needed it _now_ , leaping up between them. Riza laughs - possibly the most beautiful sound Roy's ever heard - and scoops Hayate up into her arms again while Roy gives him head pets, and they dote after the runaway dog until he gets bored of them and seeks out the rest of the team for company.

* * *

Later on in the evening, as Roy is sitting alone in his apartment and starting to consider if getting a cat would be a good idea after all - maybe he could take in the next stray that Alphonse picks up - his phone rings.

"Hello?"

"Colonel," a familiar voice sounds through the phone. "Sorry for bothering you at this hour."

"That's alright, Lieutenant. Is everything alright? How's Hayate?"

"He's fine," Riza answers, "We're both okay. I just… wanted to call. And to thank you.”

“You don’t need to thank me for anything,” Roy says. 

“I noticed, by the way.”

“Noticed what?”

“You marked off more areas on the map this morning than the part of the city that we covered last night,” Riza remarks. “You didn’t need to do that. So thank you.”

Of course she noticed - it would be stupid of him to think she wouldn’t, she is ‘The Hawk’s Eye’, after all - but that’s not why. Riza knows he’d stay out to look for Hayate for the same reason Roy knows how to do her hair, or how she likes her tea. They’ve been together long enough.

“You’re welcome, Lieutenant.”

The conversation moves on to other things then - old rumours recirculating around command, the last dramatic breakup between Havoc and another now-ex-girlfriend, stories from Roy’s sisters. They can only talk for so long, and the conversation comes to a natural end, but before he can hang up the phone a thought strikes Roy.

“Thank you,” he says suddenly, an echo of Riza’s words from earlier..

There’s a confused pause. “What are you thanking _me_ for?”

“For calling,” he answers simply. “That’s all.”

There’s a tiny huff of amusement from Riza’s end of the line. “Anytime, Colonel.”

“Oh, _anytime_ ?”

“Anytime _before midnight_.”

Even after he hangs up the phone, Roy notices the cold loneliness of the empty apartment around him doesn’t sink in as deeply. 

So, he thinks, between _strictly platonic_ hugs, late nights with tea, and phone calls… yeah, he’ll settle for that fine.

That, and maybe a cat - so long as it doesn’t get lost.


End file.
